Friday, January 31, 2020

What is Beautiful?

It's been so long since I sat down and just put thoughts on paper (so to speak).  So tonight, while I have two minutes to myself, I thought I would do just that.

What is Beautiful?

It is a question I have struggled with my whole life.  I have a very petite body frame and I have always been very curvy.  Top heavy to a point.  I used to have a little waist and hips with short legs, see...weird.  Nothing ever fit right and I was constantly worried that I was being judged for it.  The truth is, I was.  Because of the way I was built I was accused of everything from being a tease to being a whore.  No one really taking the time to get to know me.

I had a pretty face but I was always insecure about my nose and the scar under my lip.  But was I beautiful?  No.  I was average.  And I don't say that with any sort of self pity, I say it with the reality of the situation in mind.  I grew up around stunning girls who had the legs and perfect figures.  A lot of them still are.  I knew I would never be one of them.  And I was ok with that.

Until now.

I have been married for nearly 20 years, and in that time a lot has changed.  No longer am I the girl with the tiny waist and big personality.  The two seemed to have switched somewhere along the way.  For a long time I never even noticed.  Then, about a year ago, all of that changed.  I got out of the shower and I took a really long hard look at what I looked like.  No filters, no makeup, just me.  And I was mortified.  I mean the kind of mortified that sent me reeling.

The second issue, I became a type 2 diabetic.  Seriously.  I had no idea at all and here I was sitting in my doctor's office, listening to him tell me how my life has just changed.  I grew up with a diabetic grandfather and I know that as you age, it really only gets worse.  I ask the stupid question "Can it be reversed" and he gives me this look that lets me know that, sure it can happen, just not for someone like me.  And everything in that moment strikes fear and panic in me.

The problem is, I had no idea how to fix it.  Was it too late?  Am I capable of change?

The worst part is, as bad as I look, I feel worse.  Not just physically, which I hadn't realized was so bad.  I got really good at pretending I was fine.  But also about who I had become.  No matter how normal or basic I thought I was as a kid, I would never have allowed myself to get to this point.

Then I realized the issue.  I stopped caring about me.  And truth be told, I am still struggling to care now.  I have days where I believe that I deserve everything that is happening to me, and other days where I kick myself in the ass and scream "Stop feeling sorry for yourself".  But every single day is a struggle.  I won't go into how I am mentally because that is an entirely different blog post, suffice it to say my looks and personality weren't the only things that got put on the back burner.

So now what?

Well, I have two choices.  Get off my ass and figure it out, or eventually completely fall apart.  I am working on the first option.

I'm sure people are wondering where my husband stands on this issue, he has his own stuff to deal with but always supports my efforts to better myself.  But I am wondering if that means sacrificing everything to get that girl back.  I don't give a shit about being a size 2 anymore.  But being healthy and happy would be a really nice alternative to this.

So wish me luck.  And if you have any suggestions, feel free to leave them in the comments below.


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